I wish you pain

The first time I heard those lyrics from Andy Grammar I was confused. Why would you say that to anyone? He sings:

I hope your doubts come like monsters and terrorize your dreams

I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness

'Cause no one else believes

I hope you question whether you

Ever really had a chance at all

I hope your fear is thick like poison that gets into your blood

I hope you push until you cannot breathe

And it's still not enough

I hope you put your life out on the line

And everybody watches while you fall…

It sounds like he is talking to an arch enemy or someone who really hurt him or that he just plain old hates. He wishes for broken promises and broken hearts and for tears. Why would you wish anyone pain? Then he explains:

'Cause I love you more than you could know

And your heart, it grows every time it breaks

I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain

I’ve thought about this song a lot as a person and as a parent. I don’t know if I would ever say out loud that I wish my children pain. I actually want them to be comfortable and happy. But I recognize that the only way for them to really grow and develop perspective and empathy and to become who they are meant to be is if they go through pain: through heartbreak and failure and loss. And it breaks my heart every time their hearts break. And that’s not fun. But if I take a step back, would I really wish for a life for them without challenge or pain? A life that is easy? I wouldn’t. Because they wouldn’t grow. 

I just listened to the Follow Him podcast with John Bytheway and Hank Smith, in which they interviewed Dr. Lili Anderson about chapters in 2 Nephi. She shared her story of pain, in which her house during a major remodel was flooded by a broken city pipe and no one would take responsibility to pay for the repairs. Then while she and her husband were out of town to find some respite, her husband had a coronary aneurism and died, despite her best efforts to administer CPR and try to save him. Crushed from his passing, shortly afterward her bank account was hacked and her money stolen. 

It would be reasonable for Lili to feel angry with God. Why was she being asked to suffer so much? Why so much pain? 

Lili explained that we can take one of three paths when we are faced with pain: 1: We can become angry and resentful at God and/or the world. 2: We can bury our heads and stay inside and try to wait until all the storms have passed. Or 3: We can try to learn and allow ourselves to grow from the pain. We can “let God consecrate our pain.” She chose to embrace God and her Savior and allow them to help her through the pain. She refused to live a life of resentment and anger. That’s not easy. But it’s better than all the other options. 

Elder Neil A Maxwell said “Sorrow enlarges the heart, giving place later, expanded space, for joy.” 

I love that so much! That is why God even wishes us pain (though I’m sure he doesn’t enjoy seeing us in pain). He allows it because he wants us to grow. Only when we have suffered sorrow does our heart grow. Only when our heart grows is there room for more joy. 

I want to remember that during the hard stuff. We’ve been through some hard things lately. My oldest son, who is a high school senior and who has been dealing with the fatigue of mono for months, broke his collarbone skiing in January and then had to have surgery to screw the bone back together. This was his last season to ski and play basketball before his mission, and those are two of his favorite things. Now he can’t do either. We just found out that our sweet little 9-year-old son has to have his tonsils removed. I have teenage girls who are facing the battles of friends and homework and heartbreak and who break each other’s hearts sometimes. Marriage isn’t always easy as we try to negotiate each other’s ideas and opinions and strengths and weakness. There are bills to pay and sickness to cope with and emotions to sort out. Life comes with pain. Sometimes I am overwhelmed from the weight of it all. But lifting weight, I remember, is how our muscles grow. Lifting pain is how our heart grows.

As I listened to Andy Grammar sing his song to me this morning through my little phone speaker, I cried, imagining God speaking to me:

'Cause everything that matters most

That's where it goes by a different name

I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain

I wish you pain

It's hard to say

Wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know

I've been here before and I just wanna see you grow

Want you to grow.

I choose to allow God to consecrate my pain. I choose to see it as his love. I choose to let my heart break when my children’s hearts break. And I hope to always remember that the broken and the loss and the pain is all exactly what He had in mind for us.